


Sayonara, Arigato

by bubblewhale2



Category: Naruto
Genre: Drop the formalities, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friends to Lovers Kakashi and Sakura, Friendship, Haruno Sakura-centric, Hokage Hatake Kakashi, Kakashi/Sakura Bonding, Kakashi/Sakura Friendship, M/M, Mention of Uchiha Massacre, Mentioned Shikatema, Mentioned Shizune/Tsunade, Multi, One-Sided Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Sakura is soul searching again, Therapy, Uchiha Massacre, dark memories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-03-29 08:13:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13923030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblewhale2/pseuds/bubblewhale2
Summary: The war is over and Sakura is trying to get back to her normal life. But there's years of trauma to work on. With a little help from a friend, she'll go on a mission to find love, herself, and old and new friends, and not at all in ways she expected.





	1. Uchiha Ruins

 

“Goodbye!”

Sakura was leaving the hospital, carrying a small bag with her medical-ninja outfit and shoes in it. She finally got some time off from work, and she exited her workplace happily, waving politely at her co-workers as orange sunlight of the setting sun was hitting Konoha's hospital automatic see-trough doors. She then turned from the hospital entrance and stepped lightly down the wide road.

She was tired, but the idea of a free week that she could have all for herself refueled her with some much needed positive energy. After all, even though the war had just ended, hospitals all over the world still had lots of work to do before things could stabilize. Sakura was one of the best medical ninja in a wide radius, so she couldn't have gotten off the hook before quite a few months’ worth of work following that day Sasuke left. Not to even mention the toll of the tremendous job she did helping Tsunade and Shizune grow two prosthetic hands out of Hashirama Senju's cells… Sakura still kind of hoped Sasuke would come to get his -

Snapping out of her thoughts, Sakura realized she walked all the way down the road, empty crossroads appearing in front of her. She would usually just make a quick left on days when rushing home after a long night shift, but today she wasn't in a hurry. After all, this was her first free evening of the following week.

The sun was already appearing setting-like because of some low clouds on the western horizon, and the whole village was painted in a beautiful golden-red palette. Sakura wanted to ground herself, and carelessly enjoy this moment. She looked around, with a feeling of waking up from a long slumber.

In the distance, Konoha was brimming with life, but right now, maybe because of the beautiful soft light, everyone seemed to be strongly detached from Sakura. She was finally alone for a moment, after so many days of constant hospital clamor. After quickly glancing over Konoha her eyes turned in the direction other than she would normally look at on her way home. It was the road that led to one of the Konoha's gates, and further on outside of the safe walls, out to the west. Sakura closed her eyes for a moment, substituting the orange light for a calm darkness.

She missed Sasuke.

At moments like this, when a chance for quiet recollection of her thoughts and feelings would appear, dulling pain would pierce her chest. At this point in her life, she wasn't even sure she didn't simply imagine a whole new, magical personality that appeared to her as infamous Uchiha but was instead a fabrication, just a product of her PTSD… Did it really happen? Did he really apologize for all that he's done? Did he really grant her with a permit to help him, to heal him, to save both him and Naruto from the brink of death? Wasn't that meant to be like him finally acknowledging her, and her worth for real this time? Or was that just out of necessity after Naruto beat him? But then, if that were to be so, what was with that forehead poke? Why would he do that and say “thank you“, unless to signify his acknowledgment?

Sakura's chest hurt. She blinked, and opened her green eyes. Standing in the middle of crossroads while thinking herself into circles wasn't any good, she thought to herself and started turning back to the village. But then she stopped, and turned back again. This was her first evening off. She didn't have to rush back home, where nothing but the same dark thoughts would welcome her in the darkness of her room. She hasn't been out to a casual walk forever. She might just explore this secluded part of Konoha. Determined, she stepped confidently further down the road leading away from the houses.

In a few minutes’ worth of a brisk walk, after a long turn of the road back to the face-mountain and away from the protective walls, Sakura came to a part of Konoha that she couldn't remember ever visiting before. There were obvious signs of an abandoned infrastructure – pavement and houses, although wild greenery was taking its toll on it. Sakura went through the entrance, and, as the houses obstructed low sunrays, she felt chills down her spine.

An understanding hit her – this must have been a part of town that was populated by the Uchiha clan before the massacre. Was this the road young Sasuke would take going back home from pre-school every day? Sakura suddenly felt an immense wave of sadness washing over her as she watched the ruined, empty houses. She continued her walk through the parts, finally getting to another crossroads, making her choose to walk further into the devastated neighbourhood towards a shady afforested hill with a shrine on top, barely visible in the distance, or westward, towards a shining lake. She opted for the lake.

The clouds that were splattered across the horizon were fading, letting few more of sunrays trough, before the final sundown. Sakura was glad that she left the dusky street with long shadows cast over it as she rushed down the grassy pathway towards the lake. She could see the glistening of the water reflecting the setting sun behind the bank that she shortly climbed on to. In front of her was a lake, surrounded by forested banks, and she found herself on one long straight side of the coast. Down a steep grassy slope towards the water, there was a small wooden dock. She carefully went down the hillside and onto the dock. For a moment she stood there, absorbing the beauty of the view.

“Oi, oi, oi… Sakura!“

A familiar voice went off behind her. Sakura would jump up ready for combat, startled, if she didn't instantly recognize the voice of her old sensei turned friend after the war, so she simply turned away from the lake, her eyes scanning for him. She searched for his shiny silver hair, out of a habit, knowing full well from her childhood missions that that was the easiest way to spot him. She couldn't have noticed him while going down the slope for he had been lying down, his dark-olive and black outfit blending easily with the grass. Not to mention she could never fully sense Kakashi's chakra nearby – especially if he didn’t want anyone to find him so he could have some time for himself, as she envisioned it to be the case this time, for he was reclining before he recognized her.

Even more so, now that he was Hokage, Sakura thought to herself - a moment of peace and silence was probably much harder for him to obtain. Knowing of his love for spending time isolated from other people, with his nose buried into a pervy novel, he must have started to rely heavily on his hiding and concealing skills even inside of Konoha just to get some alone time.

Sakura quickly spotted him, as he was lifting himself to sit up in the grass, and waving at her, his eyes folding into a relaxed smile that was covered by his trusty mask.

“Hi, Kakashi-sensei! I mean… Hokage-sama?” Sakura enthusiastically went towards him but then stopped, thinking about a way to address him properly.

“Now, now, drop the formalities, will you?” He said sheepishly and called her over with motions of his hand. “Come sit down here with me, Sakura. It’s been some time since we last had a chance to talk, right? It’s a beautiful sunset, isn’t it?”

Sakura got closer and sat down by Kakashi’s side. “Sure it is. I’ve never been in this part of Konoha before. Do you come here often, sensei?”

“Now and then…” Kakashi mumbled underneath the mask, wrinkles around his smiling eyes stiffing for a moment. The truth was, he would come here only when the memories of his dead friends became unbearable. The quiet nature of the lake would somehow always help his pain to turn into a bearable feeling of passing melancholy, on days when even visiting their monuments couldn’t get him the same effect.

“This is where the Uchiha clan lived, right?” Sakura asked. She liked the warmth that Kakashi’s shoulder next to her produced so she hunched a little closer to him in the brisk evening air, not noticing a change in his expression hidden by the mask.

Kakashi looked at her from the corner of his eye and slowly made up his mind. It would be weird if he tried to conceal his private thoughts and feelings from Sakura after all they have been through together. He wasn’t sure if Sakura was aware of her body’s own movements, but after helping each other out in the war, and her healing him many times, it seemed like their personal-space boundaries naturally disappeared, especially when there was no one around. Kakashi liked how relaxed his ex-student was around him, and the way she scrunched her body closer to his helped him made up his mind about speaking to her openly. He was sure he could rely on her to understand and appreciate his honesty.  “Yes. I used to come here often when I was a genin.”

Sakura turned her head from the setting sun and looked at him, picking up on a subtle change in his voice. He quickly glanced away, now with a calm expression in his eyes. “This is the neighbourhood where Obito used to live”, he said. Sakura’s eyes for a second widened with understanding and then turned into a soft, sad look, as she waited for Kakashi to continue in his own time, respecting his trust to casually open up to her.

“You know, he was always late, so I used to come to pick him up. He had the most unusual excuses, too… like, he was helping an old lady, or met a beautiful girl and had to sing for her…” Kakashi jumped slightly as Sakura laughed out loud at this. She looked at him with a glimmer in her green eye. “Who would think that you yourself, Kakashi-sensei, had the nerve to rip off all off his excuses when you were being late to our trainings then!?”

“Now, now, Sakura”, Kakashi laughed sheepishly, “All those things actually happened to me!”

“Yeah, right.” Sakura smiled at his embarrassment. Her expression turned from teasing to calm as she turned back to the horizon.

“You know, I don’t find it so hard to believe Obito’s excuses anymore. He was a good kid. I was just too proud to see it back then.” Kakashi said calmly, but Sakura wasn’t fooled by the stoic voice. “Kakashi… don’t be so hard on yourself… you were just a kid too.”

“Yeah, I guess so… But those were different times… and I had no excuse. I was a prodigy, you know that?” Kakashi argued.

“Well nothing less is to be expected from a future Hokage. But still, Kakashi-sempai, you wouldn’t be the man you are now if it all didn’t happen as it did, right? Maybe you’d be a different teacher too, and team 7 would miss out on our most important lesson…”

Kakashi smiled at that. It was true. Without Obito he wouldn’t ever get over the shadow that his father’s death left cast upon him. And maybe Naruto wouldn’t try so hard to catch up with Sasuke if he had a different teacher. Someone that didn’t as strongly emphasise the point that the ones who leave their friends behind are worse than scum.

“Thank you, Sakura.” Kakashi said, enjoying once more the view of Sakura’s face turning from worried to peaceful. Impulsively, he put one arm around her shoulders and squeezed her friendly, bringing her closer to his chest. She tensed for a second, but quickly relaxed, letting a serene silence fall upon them for a few moments, resting on Kakashi, and then softly noticed:

“We were both thinking about our Uchiha colleagues.”

Kakashi sat in silence, holding her gently. He was cherishing this moment as he knew Sakura was one of his rare friends that would let him be this informal around her without it being weird afterwards. And he missed acting human. As he became Hokage, he found himself buried under piles of paperwork and even more so, having a weird inner motivation to shoulder more of the village’s responsibilities on his own. This unease to share his thoughts and worries with others made him withdrawal from human company. He was happy that he found an understanding soul in Sakura’s, and was getting himself ready for a question he knew was coming at him shortly. Sakura sighed and then mumbled:

“Will Sasuke ever be able to come back?”

At first, she wasn’t even sure if Kakashi heard her. He took a deep breath and let out a long, soft exhale, that made few of her pink strands of hair tickle her face. She was swept by a warm, sweet, musky scent that was familiar and homey. For a moment, she imagined she could hear Kakashi’s calming heartbeat.

“Well, I don’t think so, no.” he said, once he was emotionally prepared for a miniature drop of Sakura’s shoulders that he knew for sure was about to happen after he’d said that. Before she could move away from him he said softly: “It’s not like I can pardon him fully. I was already faced with a strong opposition from the other Kages. Also, I don’t think it would be really safe for Konoha if he were to come back. Right now, he is setting a kind of example to other criminals not to mess with Konoha or the Allied countries.”

Sakura listened and then, after making a microscopic move to remove herself from Kakashi’s gentle hug, fully leaned back into him. By this point, Kakashi knew she was devastated and just being strong and polite enough to retain a relaxed position from a few moments ago to conveniently continue hiding her face from him. But he wasn’t going to let this mini-therapy session go one-sided. He was ready to repay her consoling words from before with his own support. So he quietly brushed his hand over her back, in a pleasant, comforting motion, and when she relaxed and moved slightly away from him, he let her. She had a wet glisten in her eyes, but other than that, her face was of a strong expression he was used to seeing on her in the last few years. He smiled at her and tumbled her hair like he used to when she was younger.

“Look, I understand how important Sasuke is to you, Sakura. And if things change you’ll be the first to know, but I can’t really give you more information than that.”

Sakura batted his teasing hands off and smiled, staying quiet.

“But, you know…” Kakashi drifted off: “My time as a Hokage won’t last for much longer. Maybe Naruto will be able to do something more about it”. He finished on a positive note, slipping up on his belief in Naruto to be his successor, but Sakura chose to ignore it, focusing on the first part: “What do you mean, won’t last for much longer?” she asked, worried.

“Ah, ah, nothing, really, I’m just… really tired.” He scratched his head absently.

Sakura shot him another worried look, but then came to an understanding. It wasn’t that he was too old or too sick. It was just that he has seen enough, and Sakura could relate to that. “I get it.” She said. “Sometimes I feel like I lived up at least three lives already.”

“Yeah. And I’m way older than you, Sakura.”

Could she hear a trace of remorse in his voice?

“Also, losing Obito’s sharingan didn’t really enhance my vigour. I guess I was borrowing on someone else’s strength all my life…”

“Kakashi, I get it, but I won’t let you pity yourself that much!” Sakura said fiercely and punched him playfully in his shoulder.

“You’re right, Sakura. I’ll try and see what I can do, OK?”

Sakura already knew he was talking about Sasuke. The sun was finally down and darkness was starting to creep all around them. She stood up, and stretched her hand towards Kakashi as in saying he should get going too. He took her hand and stood up too. “Man, it’s already night time. If you want, I’ll accompany you to the village, Sakura.” He offered, and they slowly started their way back. Going through the ruins of the Uchiha clan was a bit easier together.

 


	2. Visions of Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura goes for a girls night out few days after her little talk with Kakashi. She feels bad and makes an important decision.  
> (This is kind of a short filler chapter for setting up some plot points before real story begins.)

Sakura was getting ready for a night out. Steam was slowly seeping from her tiny bathroom, as she left the doors half-opened. She soon exited, wrapped in a pink towel and crossed her small apartment to get to the bedroom where an outfit she panned out was laid out on the bed.

She moved away from her parents after the war, as she came of age and got herself a steady position at Konoha Hospital. Her job paid better than missions so she could easily rent the apartment. It was also more practical, as it was positioned closer to the hospital than her parents’ house.

Although the importance of societal frugality in times of post-war renovation was heavily emphasized by Konoha administration, there was no way she could continue to live with her parents anymore. Her waking up from nightmares and jumping at any unexpected movement around the house put her family in too tense of an atmosphere for peaceful daily cohabitation. Becoming an elite kunoichi brought unwanted side effects after all.

Sakura was glad that after months of work she got a full week for herself. She already visited her parents and now she was giddy to indulge in some dinner and drinks with her girlfriends, namely Ino, Hinata, Temari and Tenten. Some stress relief was much needed, she thought to herself while dressing up.

Although she _did_ feel better thanks to her oddly therapeutic talk with Kakashi a few evenings ago. Their meeting at the Uchiha-lake felt surprisingly intimate and friendly.

She asked herself was it appropriate to think about Hokage as her friend, but in some way she already did perceive him as just that.

To Sakura, their friendship didn’t feel strange at all. They went through so much of _everything_ , always fighting on the same side.

It was different from when Tsunade was her mentor as well as Hokage – and even with Kakashi being her former teacher and team leader she still felt closer to him than to Tsunade. Her relationship with Tsunade was always supporting, but strict. Opposed to that, the pure _kindness_ in the smiles Kakashi would casually throw at her ever since she was a child never once faltered throughout the years.

It was just so weird to call him _–sama_ , Sakura thought at herself while absently shaking her head, casually tossing pink strands around her face.

Leaving that train of thought, she walked to the front door and put on her simple black sandals.

As she was grabbing keys and purse, she checked her looks in the body-length mirror. A cute black silky top that revealed toned stomach and pink shorts were adorning her naturally beautiful body. Sakura smiled as she noted to herself that rigorous training she did as a kunoichi had more than one benefit. Having her confidence boosted by growing out of her adolescence as she honed her professional skills and started living independently also helped to get in terms with her body-image.

She left, locking the doors and going on to meet the girls.

 

* * *

 

  

“Sakura-chan!” Ino waved enthusiastically at her from their meeting point beneath a sakura-tree close to Ino’s parents shop. Her large chest bounced. Sakura smiled sheepishly, easily snubbing a spark of old jealously. Then she smiled more truthfully, greeting her childhood friend.

“Where are the others?” Sakura asked.

“Well, Tenten said something came up unexpectedly, so she won’t be able to come. Temari and Hinata said they will wait for us at the restaurant.”

“Oh, ok then. Let’s go there. What’s new?”

They started a simple chit-chat. They casually evaded all mentioning of a certain black-haired rogue, neither of them being emotionally ready to poke at that giant wound. Sakura felt as if it would be easier to talk about the dead ones than about the ever-missing one.

Arriving at the place, they were met by Hinata and Temari indulging in similar shallow topics, as the two knew each other, but not well. Ino invited Temari, bonding with her over complaining about Shikamaru. Sakura invited Hinata and Tenten as they sometimes practiced martial arts together, becoming friendly as they were maturing together. Ino and Sakura hoped to further strengthen the bonds of their all-female clique by them all hanging out together.

A casual and warm atmosphere spilled over the girls as they ordered food and joked about Konoha shinobi and talked about their everyday lives.

They finished their dinners and were about three drinks into the evening each when Temari slipped.

Ino was whining about Shikamaru skipping on their Ino-Shika-Cho practice last Tuesday as Temari said:

“Oh, yes, he was with me.”

Girls immediately went for her.

“Whaaaat?” Screamed Ino, scandalized, with other two starting to cross-fire Temari with questions, Sakura sly and Hinata wide-eyed.

“Well, um…” Temari stammered, her cheeks reddening, both totally atypical for usually collected, steel eyed girl.

 As she explained a chain of chance meetings loosely connected to her diplomatic role in Konoha, Sakura felt a wave of pain and saddens unexpectedly wash over her. By all means, she was happy for her colleagues that so obviously fell for each other, but an unwanted thought ran through her mind.

_“When will I get a chance at courting my childhood crush?”_

Despite the bitter thoughts, Sakura bravely soldiered on, putting on her best poker face and continuing the night as planned. But she had hit the sake bottle harder than before, ignoring Ino’s wary looks tossed at her at times, as the outing played on.

Sakura drank, laughed and danced as they took their party to a night club. After dancing with some low rank shinobi, totally trashed, Sakura was dragged away by Ino. The blond girl excused them, leaving Hinata and Temari on their own. Alcohol did wonders to elevate the social awkwardness of the two, so they did not seem to mind, and continued on.

The next thing Sakura remembered, she was puking in a dark back ally, while Ino was holding her hair back, rambling under breath about something that seemed a lot like “bringing shame on medical specialists” and “having an alcohol tolerance of a baby genin”.

Then, Sakura’s apartment and Ino looking for her keys. Then bed.

Little did Ino knew, Sakura could burn off alcohol with her chakra in a matter of seconds. She just really wasn’t in the mood to be conscious tonight.

 

* * *

 

 

Sakura knew Ino would be mad at her the next morning. And, sure as day, Ino scolded Sakura for selfishly ruining her night. But Sakura knew there was no real malice as Ino came by her apartment to check up on her. It wasn’t like Sakura didn’t do the same thing for Ino on some other occasions.

There were close to no methods for ninjas to silence the unwanted thoughts other than drowning them in alcohol.

But as Sakura drank the soup Ino left for her sitting alone in her kitchen, she made a decision.

She already took so many areas of her life in her own hands. It was time for her to take on the responsibility for her love life, too.

And all the formalities be dammed if she had to risk using her recent bonding with the Konoha top dog to land one mission she really wanted.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave Sakura some credit for growing up a little and at least owning her looks, but her character is still faulty. First, I have to give her a lot of internal dilemmas and motivations, then I hope to slowly evolve her into a better person as the story goes.
> 
> I really want to make this story a thing! Hope you enjoy it :)


	3. Midnight talk, a sleepy dog

 

Drifting in his thoughts, Kakashi was sitting at his oversized Hokage desk, which was far less intimidating then the interior designer intended it to be, due to the broad desk surface hardly being visible at all, as it was covered in mountains of paper stacks. Either was Kakashi’s reign as Hokage marked by most extensive need for paperwork since the dawn of Konoha, or he was the laziest Hokage up until today. There was also a high possibility that both were true and not mutually exclusive –

Kakashi sighed to himself and then mumbled: “How did you managed this, Lady Tsunade?” and his head dropped from his arm to the paper covered table surface with a soft _thump_. He longed for a hard drink and the warmth of his pack snuggled around him in his bed, while he read his favorite book. Sun had set a few hours ago, and the Hokage tower was desolate, only the slight buzzing of yellow artificial lights omnipresent. Kakashi dosed off for a split second…

Soft knocking did nothing to disrupt him.

 

* * *

 

Thick office wooden doors creaked slightly ajar.

It would be more polite if she came by earlier, but she was fretting and mustering the courage for the whole day and now it was already dark outside. She thought about landing on the Hokage tower’s only lit window, as ANBU usually did, to avoid the night guard, but then concluded that her status both made that unnecessary and inappropriate. Sakura did, after all, spend many a long night at the tower in her time as Tsunade’s apprentice. Also, she primarily worked as a medic now, and not a ninja. At the end of this night time visit, she was hoping that would change.

At first, entering the office made her weary on instinct, as she was trained to read the ex-Hokage’s mood quickly, to assess what coaxing method to try out on Tsunade, talking her out of dumping too crazy assignments on Sakura. But the air was calm, and she realized the only Tsunade here is stoically smiling from a painting on the wall. Next thing she noticed was that the table was completely hidden under a giant pile of papers even bigger than when Tsunade used to lazy around. There was a suspicious bump of bunched papers rhythmically moving up and down around the middle of the table, with a few silver spiky strands of hair poking out.

Inner Sakura gleamed with mirth. _Yell. Startle him. It’ll be so funny. No. Better yet. Dump water on hi-_

Sakura chuckled. Even if Naruto would be so amazed and proud of her pranking the Hokage he would most definitely treat her with ramen multiple times, she did not want angry Kakashi-sensei on her back, ever. There was also no way she could sneakily pull his mask off without waking him up, as his head was laid face down on the table, so the top prize was out of reach anyways.

Instead, she went to him and brushed few odd papers of his slouched back, landing one hand softly on his shoulders, gently shaking him. She spoke to him in whisper “Kakashi-sensei, Kakashi-sensei…”

He woke up with a startle, suddenly sitting up straight, his head spinning in a blur of black and silver as he looked around in a haze, until his puffy eyes finally locked on hers.

“Sakura-chan!” His eyes went wide… “What are you doing here?” Sakura smiled but he didn’t gave her time to answer yet: “I’m afraid I fell asleep, uh, that is so, so, so, un-Hokage-like,” he suddenly slapped his face forcefully and mumbled, his eyes shut and wrinkled: “Please, do keep this between us, won’t you, Sakura-chan?”

Sakura laughed out-loud. “Sure, Kakashi-sama.”

“Ai, ai, drop the formalities!” Kakashi opened one of his eyes playfully, noticing Sakura’s breezy tone despite the honorific. He had a feeling he dodged one or two more awkward ways of waking up.

He was intent on making their relationship less formal, at least when they were alone. He wasn’t about to start be formal with his old friends, and he wanted Sakura to perceive him as a friend, since he couldn’t perceive her solely as an ex-student. Still, he felt glad she didn’t opt to prank him.

“Are you up for a drink, Sakura?” Kakashi asked, stretching his arms above his head, papers ruffling in the process.

“Yeah, sure.” Sakura turned towards the wall of the room. “Want me to fetch it?”

“Sure.”

 She went to the wall and pressed a finely carved switch in a small hole between two adjacent wood planes which would be invisible to the unknowing eye. A small hidden compartment opened and revealed a stash of few orange softcover novels, a foreign type alcohol bottle and two glasses. Sakura smiled. She was sure every Kage had his own vice to correspond to the contents of this little cabinet. The two glasses on a small silver tray were similar to the ones Lady Tsunade used. Of course, no Icha-Ichas were then present, instead of them many sake bottles and one cute bedazzled vibrator with a corresponding remote in a satin sack.

In the meantime, Kakashi cleared up a corner of the desk and pulled two chairs next to it, so they could sit closer to each other. Sakura brought the whiskey and glasses on a tray, sat down and poured them both a shot. Kakashi knocked down his so fast she wasn’t able to look under the mask and motioned to her to pour him another.

“So, what brings you here, Sakura?” He asked, voice a bit gravelly, his eyes firm upon her.

“Uh…” Her forehead wrinkled a bit as she put down the bottle and picked up her glass to taste the drink. “I’m here to ask you to enroll me in a mission again.”

“Hmmmm…” Kakashi mumbled, eyeing his glass now. She wasn’t feeling confident sitting in silence.

“The workload in the hospital is back to normal, so I’m not that much needed there. You can check that with Tsunade-Sama, if you wish.”

“Sure, but why would you _wanna_ go active all of the sudden?” Kakashi asked.

“Well…” Sakura paused thinking how to put it, but there was no short way around the topic. She swirled the liquid in her glass, dropping her head. “For starters…”

“You want to go after Sasuke.” Kakashi deadpanned, startling her. Her head snapped at him, eyes wide.

He was waiting.

“Well, it’s not that simple!” she exclaimed, then went a different route: “Sensei…” Her eyes softened again, clouding as if she was looking in the past, seeing him in his green flak-jacket and not dark Hokage outfit. Kakashi felt a pang in his old heart. She was indeed a beautiful woman now, but she knew very well to wager on his nostalgia, not her looks. Still, she was charming him unintentionally, lips pink and relaxed, eyes misty and hooded, cheeks flustered and pink strands of hair falling over the porcelain skin. He let her talk and watched her intently.

“It’s just that I have taken command over so many areas in my life. I have an enviable ninja career… I… I became a professional medic, and I have earned medals for valour before my eighteenth birthday. I… I live by myself but I have good friends and colleagues. I’m no longer that young kid that you first met. I have my life put together – I… I go to therapy.” her voice shook a little. “I deal with my demons the best I can but… there is still one thing I cannot get around. And you know its Sasuke.”

She looked at Kakashi, but at mention of Sasuke’s name he put his arms under his head, laid back into the chair and looked towards the ceiling.

Sakura decided to continue. She was on a roll, as if some dam opened deep inside her soul. “I know I was an infatuated teen, obsessed with romance… But it was what pushed me forward back then. And I can’t help but feel empty nowadays. It seems like everyone is pretending everything is fine while it’s still not! The war is over, yes, but there is still so much pain in this world. And when I look inside myself, and search for a cause of my emptiness I go back and back and back… I try to remember a time I didn’t feel this paralysing fear… and, and…”

Sakura felt a tear rolling down her cheek, so she swiftly wiped it, before Kakashi could notice it. “And I remember that time, in the forest…”

Kakashi finally looked at her. He knew well what she is talking about. Still, he let her finish on her own.

“I remember, vividly, that time when Orochimaru attacked Sasuke-kun in the Forest of Death.”

Kakashi’s eyes softened. He still felt guilty for not pulling his students out of the dammed forest sooner.

“And how does all this connect to you wanting to go on a mission to find Sasuke?”

Sakura squared up her shoulders. “I want to get to know Sasuke-kun again. I…” Her voice hitched, but she soldiered on: “I yearn for him still… but I’m not sure anymore… if he is really this person I think I remember? Or did my mind get so… fucked up by all of the trauma that I don’t get that he is a different person altogether? Can it be that I’m just wishing hard for the times before the trauma occurred? And that I confuse _that_ image of the past with my representation of Sasuke-kun… You know?”

She ended pitifully, shoulders slumped, eyes searching for understanding in Kakashi’s. Luckily for Sakura, Kakashi knew full well about idolizing the past. Sometimes he wondered himself if his father, or Obito really were so good and pure as he’d made himself remember them.

Because if they weren’t then maybe… they deserved their deaths. Maybe it wasn’t his fault he wasn’t able to save them.

This thought haunted him throughout his life – if it was true, his core beliefs would be shattered, and if not, he was a truly horrible person for thinking it.

Sakura, on the other hand, still had a chance dealing with her trauma. The person at the core of hers and Naruto’s trauma was still alive.

To Kakashi, it seemed Naruto had found some kind of closure with Sasuke at the Valley of the End, or at least he was finally at peace living inside Konoha. He finally seemed to stop chasing Sasuke. Maybe this meant Sasuke came to his senses… or maybe he was beaten to them.

Once the adrenaline and feelings of the fight subdued, Kakashi was left with a picture of his three students broken-bodied, bleeding and crying at the bottom of a rocky pit. It was more than possible his mind painted the picture happy as a means of keeping the final strands of his sanity together.

Kakashi usually cowered from this line of thought. Unlike Sakura who had incredible medical ethics, he always shamed away from PTSD therapy Shizune and Ino started at the Konoha hospital. He’d blame it on the restraints of his position as Hokage, and too much of more important responsibilities. But he understood the significance of rehabilitation very well.

“Yeah. I know.” Said Kakashi.

“So if Sasuke is out there… searching for redemption or I don’t know what, I want to do it too.” Sakura ended.

“I understand this, Sakura.” Kakashi started his reply, feeling a mix of dread and pain for his ex-student. Guilt crept up, too.

“As a comrade, I support you fully. But as a Hokage, I cannot let one of my best ninja and medic just… go roam around the country. It would be a waste of resources. On the other hand, I cannot let you go on a leave or a vacation for a long period of time without some sound explanation offered to the rest of the authorities. And – _she wants to hang out with a criminal_ is not sound.”

“Yeah. I know… but I thought maybe you could do something, anything, to help me out…” Sakura dropped her head once again, letting her hair spill over her face in shame of begging him. She mustered her strength and looked straight at him, her eyes shining with emotion. “As for a dear person…”

Kakashi was struck with rawness of her emotions, spilt all over her face. She has bared everything to him, and he noticed purposeful substitution for a word _friend_ …

“Well…” was all he could muster.

They sat in silence for a few moments, as Sakura finished her drink and waited for him to think of something.

“We could say… that you are going to explore old Orochimaru hideouts.”

Sakura’s expression brimmed with hope as she focused once again completely on him.

“We could say… that you are searching for special poisons and remedies that he concocted… You have the enormous scientific knowledge needed for understanding Kabuto’s and Orochimaru’s lab work, and the field experience with traps and poisons reaching as far as your fight with Sasori. And… you’d need Sasuke’s help to find all the locations.”

“And I’d have the advantage of nobody else wanting to take that kind of a job, so far from Konoha for so long, digging out the horrid skeletons out of Orochimaru’s closets…” Sakura finished grimly.

“Sakura…” Kakashi looked at her warily. “Is this really worth it? You could have a peaceful life here, at home. You don’t have to do that kind of work again…”

Sakura smiled bitterly. “Yes, Kakashi-sensei. I’ll be more than able to do it. And… I really need this.”

Kakashi looked at her, as if searching for something. He then proceeded to give instructions in sharp, military tone:

“At first, this will be a solo mission. You will send back Intel periodically and ask for backup if a specific expertise would be of need. This is an A rank mission. You will send me Intel on hideouts, but also on Sasuke, not excluding _any_ details. You are required to report to Konoha every 3 months if the mission allows it, but after 6 months of not appearing in my office, you will be proclaimed a missing-nin. You are to bring me Tsunade-Sama’s medical opinion on your ability to work as an active ninja again next week, and her note on letting you absent from the hospital. I will in turn give you our last info on Sasuke’s whereabouts. You will depart immediately after that. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

Sakura jumped to her feet and bowed to Kakashi.

“Good luck, Sakura. You may leave now.”

She turned him his back, but before exiting she looked at him once more and said “Thank you, Kakashi-sensei.”

Last she saw were his dark, worried eyes before the doors clicked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I'll watch Boruto anymore, or read the novels. and I don't recognize The Last (movie) as relevant for this story, so I'm going off rails and just letting this story go as I feel it wants to.

**Author's Note:**

> I started this work out of frustration with the Naruto Shippuden ending. I have in mind an alternate story of how things happened in the blank period, but, I kinda feel ambiguous about writing it... it all depends on how Boruto turns out, then I'll know how much of a Canon divergence my idea actually is... so long! :)


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